“With every “no” I say to tasks I don’t want to do, I am saying “yes” to the activities that bring me closer to how I really want to contribute to the world.”
Many of us have been trained to say “yes” to everything in life.
We are brought up with lots of messages about why we need to say yes and the notion that pleasing others is more important than pleasing ourselves.
Some examples of these messages include:
Saying NO will disappoint others.
Saying NO hurts other’s feelings.
Saying YES means you’re a team player.
Saying YES means you really care about your kids and others.
We often feel as though we need to live up to these expectations in order to feel good about ourselves AND we also receive messages from others when we abide by these expectations - and when we don’t.
In the past year, I began drawing stronger boundaries with others and it has changed my life. I will never go back to sacrificing myself so much that my well-being is compromised.
But maintaining boundaries hasn’t been easy. And it often begins with me saying “no” to others.
This process is often met with disappointment and frustration by others. Because, in essence, others perceive my saying “no” as making things harder for them.
However, I believe it is better to say “no” early rather than saying “yes” out of obligation and feel resentful later or need to quit early from a commitment.
No, I will not continue to work in a job I dislike.
No, I will not take on that additional project that is not part of my job.
No, I will not volunteer for that committee at my children’s school.
Just thinking about these instances of saying “no” can still bring up a lot of negative feelings in myself.
How can I be so mean? So selfish! I am totally not a team player!
But the truth is what is beyond those boundaries. I am not selfish or mean.
Because with every “no” I say to those things, I am saying “yes” to those activities or tasks that bring me much closer to how I really want to contribute to the world.
Ultimately, getting clear on what I want helps me to live with integrity. Integrity is a process of aligning my inner feelings with my outer actions.
As I make decisions, I think about how the tasks, projects and volunteering align with the way I want to contribute to the world.
Getting clear also helps me live in a way that is healthy. I am a much healthier person when I spend time on activities that fill me up. I am a much better mother, spouse, friend and overall person in the world.
Saying “No” Kindly and Firmly
What I have found to help is to say “no” in a way that feels good for me.
Here are some basic parameters to try and follow as you are saying “no”:
Avoid saying “I’m sorry” (because you didn’t do anything wrong)
Avoid over-explaining yourself
Lead with gratitude
Don’t include empty promises of potentially changing your mind
If possible, try to connect the person to other resources that may be helpful to them
Examples of Ways to Say “No”
“Thank you for asking me to _______________. Due to other commitments, I cannot take on that role/project/task.”
“I appreciate you thinking of me for this opportunity! It sounds like a great project, however I am already committed to other projects. A colleague of mine may be interested in this type of project. Let me know if you’d like me to connect you.”
“No thanks, I can’t take that on. I hope you can find someone who is a good fit for what you are looking for.”
After saying “no”, you may also want to pivot to ask how things are going. You can still care about a person or a project without committing yourself to it.
By kindly and firmly saying no, you will find yourself showing up with more integrity, love and true commitment in life.
Join the Mama Be Community! For further guidance or support, visit www.drjessicalarson.com and download FREE resources to help you in your journey.
