How can I stop saying YES to everything?

Have you ever seen the movie “Yes Man”? 

Essentially the premise is this:

A guy with an uninspiring life begins saying “yes” to everything and his world opens up.  Great things start coming his way until he reaches a tipping point because he said YES to too many things and realizes he needs a more balanced approach to life.

I’ve always been able to relate to the notion of saying “yes” all the time.

This has been my way of existing in the world for a long time.

Saying “yes” has led to amazing experiences and opportunities. 

And it has also led to a lot of exhaustion and burn out.

So, why do we say “yes”?

A lot of women can fall into this trap of saying “yes” when we may not want to do something.

For many of us, it’s related to people pleasing and the desire to not disappoint others.

While we may believe “this is just who I am,” these tendencies are actually engrained in us through cultural messages about what it means to be a woman - characteristics like putting others before ourselves and caring for others.

We often put pressure on ourselves to “do it all” and saying “no” would directly conflict with that desire.

For me, saying “yes” to others feels really reinforcing - I feel closer to the person who asks me. That feeling of nurturing and connecting with others fills me up.

But what happens after I say “yes” is not as comfortable.

There have been many times when I have had to retract my “yes” and revoke my commitment. This feels terrible because I know I am letting other people down.

Other times, I stay committed but I am unable to contribute fully. In other words, I half-ass it just to fulfill the commitment instead of pulling back from it.

After going through this process for the past several years, I began to really challenge myself on my tendency to say “yes.”

I started thinking about HOW I want to show up for others. How do I want to feel when I commit myself to something? I realized that saying “yes” too often put me in a bind and led me to feeling frustrated with myself and with my commitment.

So I began saying “no.”

In the moment, it felt SUPER uncomfortable, icky and against my nature to say “no.”

But, in the long run, it felt amazing to have my time to devote to tasks and commitments that I wanted to.

Nowadays, when I am asked to do something, I ask myself two questions:

1) What will I be giving up if I say “yes” to this?

AND

2) Is it worth it to me to give these things up?

Sometimes it is worth it!

Taking an extra side hustle may allow you to pay for an extended vacation with your family.

Being the Girl Scout cookie mom may connect you to your children and other parents.

Joining a book club may be a great way to deepen your friendships.

Remember that anytime you say “yes” to an opportunity, you are saying “no” to something else—another opportunity, time with your family, or time for yourself.

Finding that balance between saying “no” and “yes” is an ongoing process. It’s not something you learn overnight and can take continued practice to get better at finding out about your true desires.

The best part about finding a balance of “yes” and “no” in response to opportunities is that you’ll be able to show up more fully in life.

You’ll experience more positive feelings, authentic connection + can feel confident that your choices are your own.

With love,

Jessica

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