Asking For Help Is Hard
Do you have a hard time asking for help?
If you do, you are not alone. Asking for help can be a huge struggle, especially for moms.
In American culture, mothers have enormous pressure to ‘do it all’ -- work, parent, and run the household in a way that should be good enough to showcase on Pinterest. Women are culturally conditioned to be in a helper role and oftentimes that is coupled with women naturally feeling a desire to help others.
So how can we value who we are as mothers-- and get our own needs met? Try asking for help. It is a foundational part of self-care.
Why is asking for help so hard?
It’s really easy to ask for help when we are kids. At that point in life, asking for help is expected and encouraged. It’s a sign of self-reliance. Children are not expected to be able to do everything on their own and adults are there to help support and guide them.
When we become adults, it becomes more difficult to ask for help. We feel vulnerable. We worry others will think less of us. We don’t want to burden others with our needs.
When I first had a child, I felt an internalized pressure to do everything right and handle all the issues that arose in our family. Baby up at night? I got it. Dirty diaper right before we leave for work? Hand me the baby.. I’ll take care of it.
Because I viewed asking for help as a sign of weakness in myself, I couldn’t bring myself to ask others for help with most tasks related to my son. When my husband volunteered to help, I gladly accepted it. It was the process of me actually having to ask him to help that was my struggle.
My pattern of being helpful was deceiving. In the moment, I felt like I had a purpose in life. I felt content, satisfied and generous. Over time, I realized this pattern was damaging my own well-being — as well as the functioning of our family. I felt resentment. I felt as though nobody could do things as well as I could. I had nothing left to give. Over time, I began to understand how asking for help was healthy and an important part of my own self-care journey.
Asking for help builds trust
In her research on building trust with others, Dr. Brene Brown identifies the process of accepting help from others (just as they accept help from you) as essential to building trust. We can’t truly be open and honest with others unless there is reciprocity in our relationships.
Asking for help communicates to others that you trust them. It also allows them to see you have vulnerabilities, which brings us all closer as humans.
In her recent book, Dr. Brown states: “To be clear is kind. To be unclear is unkind.” Asking for help asserts your needs and is a clear form of communication. When you don’t ask for help, you are not being clear with others about what you need in the moment.
You can do it — start asking for help
If you struggle to ask for help, there are several steps to get started. As you make these steps, remember that asking for help is a fundamental form of self-care.
1st: Identify What Is Getting In The Way
One of the first questions to ask yourself is: what is preventing you from asking others for help? Does it make you feel vulnerable? Weak? Do you feel like you are giving up control?
In the beginning, asking for help will likely bring up negative emotions and thoughts. Don’t push the emotions away. Just notice them, get curious about them.
Start your sentence with “I notice...
I notice I feel vulnerable when I ask for help.
I notice I think I should be able to handle this on my own.
I notice I feel discomfort in my stomach when I want to ask for help.
I notice I think I am the mother and need to just get it done.
2nd: Reframe the Thoughts
Reframing is one of the most powerful tools to help us view a situation differently. When asking for help, here are some powerful reframing statements to tell yourself.
It is okay to ask for help.
Everyone needs help sometimes.
Other people want to help me.
Clear is kind; unclear is unkind.
It’s better to ask for help now than feel resentful later.
3rd: Just Do It!
If you are new to this, it will still feel uncomfortable for awhile…. and you still need to do it. Notice your feelings, reframe your thoughts and just ask. The only way you’ll get better is through practice.
Start now - make a goal to ask for help at least once today. Start with the smallest things if you need to. And then accept the help that others extend your way.
Here are some statements you can use:
I need help with this.
Can you help me with this right now?
It would really help me if you could __________ (fill in the blank).
4th: Be Generous With The Helper.
Often the struggle in asking for help relates to your desire to control a situation. You may think if you just do the task yourself, you’ll guarantee it is done “right.”
With this in mind, it is really useful to extend generosity to the helper and try to detach from the outcome. You ask your husband to make dinner and he chooses mac & cheese instead of something healthier. That’s okay. You ask your mother to help with the toddler and she gives him ice cream right before bed. It will be fine.
Extend generosity and appreciation. Thank the person for helping. Remember, you are building trust.
In some situations, it may be important to give feedback to the helper. If this is true, pick a time to give the feedback when you are feeling calm and relaxed.
5th: Make a Plan
Finally, to make larger changes in your journey to ask & receive help, create a plan. Pick activities or tasks every day, week and month when your spouse or other family member take on certain responsibilities to lighten your load. This can reduce any stress about tasks being divided in the moment. You will just know the plan and it can take pressure off of everyone.
As psychologist Heidi Grant states: “the idea of asking for even a small amount of help makes most of us horribly uncomfortable… [and] the truth is …. we rely, more than ever, on the cooperation and support of others.”
Letting people help you gives them a chance to be kind. You deserve their kindness.